OF STARDUSTS AND BROKEN HEARTS
The tragedy of small town friendships is obvious, we all know each others pain and secrets, but we can’t run from the only thing we have known our whole life, so we create separate lives from our friends and lovers.
As much as we try to hide from the truth you can see the strain of guilt and remorse. It haunts our waking moments as we grow older and continue to live in the fantasy we created, live and breathe. We neglect the aftermath of our ancestors orgasms yet we fall prey to the destiny woven in our genes, disappointing the one’s left in the shadow of reality.
This is a story of three women I grew up with. Their names have been changed to protect them, but this is the truth. It hurts me to hold this in, so I must let it go in order to keep loving them as they have loved me. Their truth is as beautiful as their souls, the world needs to know their stories.
*
Susie grew up to be a junkie. She went missing from rehab a couple weeks ago after five months sober. I went to Catholic school with her and Ceci. When we were growing up it was just the three of us, three little shitheads and their reign of terror. I was the towhead, Susie was a ginger, and Ceci had big thick curly brown hair I would’ve killed a man for.
That all changed when we all decided to go to public high school. A bunch of shit happened to me that year and I had trouble adjusting. I did drugs but not the way they did. They fell hard and fast for the thrill of being high, and me, I was just miserable. I stepped away to get my head straight and in a blink, they were gone, they had fallen into the rabbit hole. I waited for them to come back. It took a long time.
Ceci lost her virginity to a guy named Dopey on ecstasy, but after an abortion at age 16 she tried to get away. One night she got into a car with the wrong people and spent the next few years in jail. She had a baby in jail. It was Dopey’s.
When Ceci got locked up, Susie jumped on Dopey’s nuts and I felt the sting of resentment towards her. That useless bitch was always trying to steal Ceci’s life, first her brother, then her mother, then her lover.
While Ceci was cleaning up and looking to start over, shit got real between Susie and Dopey. They were partying hard. Nos, tweak, x, bud. Anything to get fucked up. Dopey started beating random people in liquor stores, then he started beating Susie.
Her brain was already gone then, when I saw the dead space of where her eyes should be, I didn’t even know who I was looking at anymore.
Despite the obvious, Susie didn’t give a fuck anymore. I think she wanted to die. Dopey was locked up and so what did she do? She got his fucking name tattooed over her pussy. She desecrated her entire womanhood with one stupid action, and now he was going to be a part of her forever.
Dopey was writing love letters to Ceci in prison, but she didn’t know better. She fucking loved him. They had a baby together, it was gonna work out, as soon as she got out and stayed clean and finished parole, it would be them against the world.
But as soon as she got out, who got pregnant with Dopey’s baby too? Yup. Fucking Susie.
Ceci was pissed. I was pissed. She was a traitor, she committed treason when she got with Dopey anyway. When I got invited to the baby shower, I told her to fuck off. I didn’t want anything to do with that cycle of sickness. I was just trying to be there for Ceci.
When her belly got as big as the moon, white as can be, Dopey was still beating her. She’d come over to Ceci’s and act like nothing was wrong with her big black eyes and swollen cheeks. She even started fucking Ceci’s brother again and this other guy.
After the baby was born she held it up between her and Dopey, and then he went to jail, again. Upstate.
Then she started using bad. Slamming dope, selling her pussy with Dopey’s name on it, losing teeth, getting her face beat in by this local scumbag, the motherfucker who all used to sell us drugs in high school. This was her third time in rehab for heroin. I told Ceci to forgive her for being so fucked up but to stay guarded. Their relationship has always been toxic, and it’s never going to be the same again. Ever.
The other night she just disappeared. Just like that. Left all her stuff at Ceci’s, didn’t kiss her mother goodbye, didn’t say anything to us. We looked for her in the dark streets. It was cold and we couldn’t see. She’s a ghost now. Wandered off to find the demons that call to her.
*
Ceci’s doing pretty good though. I’m so proud of her. Besides all that drama with Susie, she had a few miscarriages and her mother passed away. You can tell she’s tired but she’s still got that spark in her. She had a baby almost two years ago, he is so smart and cute and he’s got this big fat cheeks with dimples. He can’t talk yet but he makes these little monster sounds. And her oldest is 8, but he’s got the soul of a thousand lives. He’ll just look at you with these big brown eyes and it’s leaves you kind of breathless.
I wish she was in love though. I love her too much to watch her suffer like this. She’s a gourmet chef who could take over the world but she’s got this big heart that likes to take in the less fortunate. By that I mean she’s like a loser magnet. I think she’s scared to be alone. She doesn’t realise that she’s not, but it’s not my place to get in her business. She’s her own woman and women take their time when making decisions.
It hurts to watch her being used and tugged around in all sorts of directions, but when I look at her and see that spark, that fight to live, I know one day she’s going to explode like a super nova and all the bullshit she went thru is going to be worth it.
*
Loca, loca loca loca. She drives me fucking crazy. She’s like the mom I never had and always gives me advice when I don’t ask for it, but I love her so much that I allow myself to be frustrated and she has taught me to forgive.
The way I met her was fucked up. Her boyfriend was playing me when I was nineteen and I fell for his bullshit, slept with him drunk on New Years and created a giant shit storm. He was such a little bitch he pinned the whole thing on me, but it hurt me that I hurt her. She was a total stranger and I didn’t owe her anything, but I wrote her a letter anyway.
I live like I don’t have anything to lose and what I wrote impressed her. What really bonded us though, I feel, when she came over to my house after Halloween and told me she was going to have an abortion and she had to drive herself. I said to hell you are, crazy bitch, and I flaked on my court ordered community service and drove her. Bought her big sunglasses and put a bunch of blankets in my car. I tried to get her pain pills but all Loca wanted after was a cheeseburger from In n’ Out. My L.A. baby, all fucked up, and she wanted it animal style.
That’s how she is, you know? She loves big and doesn’t apologise. When she hurts she says ‘fuck it’ and moves on.
We became really tight. I’ve watched her change over the years and I’m really happy for her. She deserves the best, which is what she wants anyway. But like all of us, she falls in love a lot and never for the right reason.
She never talks about her dad but one night while totally wasted she told me he was a motherfucker. That’s all I needed to know. Her Latin white girl hybrid heart told me everything in that one word.
Her struggles are so deep that I keep trying to fix them, but she’s not ready. She’s on the path to fame and big things but I worry about her so much. She doesn’t eat right and she drinks like a fish. She also smokes like a chimney. She takes her damage out on her body, which nobody knows but me.
She has the beauty and charm of Hollywood, all bright lights and champagne. She’s a player with a black book full of wanton men and connections. They’re just stories and ladders. When she reaches her goals she’ll finally know how beautiful she is.
Something I’ve been trying to tell her forever, but when yr a speeding train on one track, you can’t hear the voice of reason, you just haul ass to where you think you need to be.
*
The story isn’t over yet. Los Angeles is a big vault of all our secrets, it has many victims, heroes fall, legends are made. Yet everyone who has lived here and grown up here, sometimes we fall hard into the gutter on accident. We get tired of looking up at the stars and the palm trees, so we get back up no matter how much it hurts to stay alive.
City of Angels. I’m blessed to have two left.
