January 2011
20 posts
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Sitting in my empty apartment, smoking cigarettes on the couch. It’s the last thing to move. I am naked and it is raining. I still feel nothing. I am not ready to answer to myself.
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DIY PSYCHOLOGICAL APOCALYPSE Signed a lease today for an amazing apartment. I should feel happy but do not feel anything, save for a sense of impending doom. Don’t know why, but I can’t shake the feeling. I fear I shall see my last days here.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Cheers to throwing the wildest party on the last night of being twenty five. It was a hell of a year.
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LUCID DREAM We ride on his motorcycle and the wind is cruel on my bare feet. Helmet heavy on my head and earplugs drowning out the growl of the engine, I suddenly understand everything. He grabs my leg as I clutch onto him for dear life and I just fucking get it. There’s no need to rush. This is the most free I have ever been. Brown eyes give away emotions. Pure. Trust is irreplaceable here...
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The shit is hitting the fan over here in Los Angeles. I have 30 days to find a new apartment, with two future paychecks and my tax return as a security deposit. Here’s to hoping it all works out. Can’t see myself back living in my car, with two cats and all my cameras. Sigh. Just call me “Can’t catch a break” O’Brien.
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HEAD FULL OF SAND Wake up covered in sweat, throat raw with pain. Perhaps I have been screaming in my sleep. Flashes of memories I have pushed so far down, visions covered in red. Is this blood I see or anger boiling beneath surface? Nightmares. I know I am back in that house, the hellhole in Tujunga. Bruised with a dirty face. I am beneath a pile of rags, nose sore after a strong punch. Suddenly...
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I COULD KEEP YOU ALL TO MYSELF At times I feel so depraved and ashamed regarding some things I have done.. but never enough to stop. He says “You are no good for me. We are on a downward spiral, forward.” I smile and look away, grab my cigarettes and puff away whatever remorse is left. I sweat nervously. His words are true, they are just bittersweet. Feel like a fish on a hook....
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Sunday was so magical, yet for the past few days my gut has been rotten with uncertainty. Our lives are becoming so intertwined, I cannot stand it. I suppose it has always been this way, I just never cared enough to notice.
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Last night I went on a blind double date. I didn’t have anything in common with boy, so I proceeded to drink shots of Patron and Stella at the bar and left him the $100 tab. Ended up smoking all of his pot by the time we went to my friend’s house party and left him by his lonesome. Call me a heartbreaker, I don’t care. He seemed happy to let me walk all over him anyway. No good...
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FIST FULL OF NAILS My first memories of childhood are of violent motion, cracking bones and blackness. I see needles, white powder, shotguns, broken pianos, very skinny scary looking giants. Orange sunlight through swollen eyes. Blood in my urine. Stepping in shit, not sure if it’s animal or adult. Crying in the dark when the doorknobs start to creak. Shadows squeezing my neck. Clumps of my...
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A NICE CONVERSATION BETWEEN SOCIOPATHS Him: How you doin’, Lady? Her: Good. Being a grown up and doing laundry. How’s the other side of the world, Mister? Him: Brutal. Hot and sweaty, with plenty of cicadas. Her: Wow, it’s summer over there? Him: Makes me feel at home. Sounds like a thousand weedwhackers at the same time. Yeah. Southern hemisphere. Glad you dig the pictures....
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Today has been a series of set backs and failures. Woke up in a foul mood and as I smoked my first cigarette of the day, I received a letter from this literary society I submitted to for the new quarterly edition. Excited, I quickly opened it. It was a rejection letter. Who the fuck am I, Bukowski? Can’t I catch a fucking break? I shook with anger on the drive to work, chain smoking with the...
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A LETTER I’LL NEVER SEND You, I am not sure where to begin, I am still reeling from the other night. You don’t want me to love you. I’ve never wanted to love you, but I knew it would only be a matter of time before I trusted you and thought about you during the day. Do you realise what you have done with those careless little words? I have taken a few steps back and am telling...